I am staring at the blank space of my Microsoft word for like 20 minutes before I finally had the courage to type this down.
I know I am a lonely person. But I do have friends, I do have closest friends and best friends but the feeling of being lonely just always hit me. I’ve got close people who I can talk to anytime or anywhere, I got close friends online who is ready to talk to me at any time of the day. But the feeling of being lonely is just too extreme that I cannot handle it myself.
It got really bad when I was taking care of my grand-auntie. She was hospitalized for 16 days and I was the only one who’s taking care of her since day 1 (I got a rest day for like 3 days only). I sleep late around 1 or 2 in the morning just to make sure grandie is fine, or if she needed help on anything and I woke up before 6 am because grandie needed to eat or pee. For almost 16 days, I do this all by myself. Yes, there are people who visit her and help out, but grandie is just dependent on me. Im not complaining or anything about her being dependent on me, coz I know she is having a hard time. [What I hate is that the other family members, and grandie’s partner (monkey) is also dependent on me. When Monkey is around grandie she would ask me to be the one who do this and that. One time grandie needed to pee, and I was reading a book and trying to rest myself because of the long night I had; Grandie said “I needed to pee” and then the monkey said “Hey, your grand aunt needed to pee” just like a boss. SHE WAS THERE, SITTING AND DOING NOTHING! SHE HAD A GOOD SLEEP ON HER BED, IN HER HOUSE AND SHE CAME TO THE HOSPITAL NOT TO HELP, BUT TO JUST SHOWER US WITH HER PRESENCE WHO’S NOT VERY NEEDED. I am just so frustrated about her. But actually this one is another story.]
Since I do nothing but to be stressed out and take care of her, my strength is drifting away. Like, I have strength only to take care of others and its drain when I needed to take care of myself. That’s when I started to get to the loneliest phase in my life (or so I think).
I was jealous over my friends who are working their ass off and at the end of the day they got encouraging messages and hugs from their life partners. I crave for the feeling, I crave for the affection and I crave for being loved. I wanted it too. I badly want it too.
So when I came home the Friday night, I open omegle and chat to the strangers. I was looking for people who have decency and not talk about sexual stuffs. I was “trying to find a friend” like someone I can tell stories and not judge me, someone who can comfort me and encourage me every time im tired and unloved.
Someone came, he was really sweet and nice. I treat him as a friend and we talk almost non-stop. I grew attached to him since he gives me the strength I needed. I thought, finally I got someone who can make me feel happy, just by words. At least there is someone who wants me. I thought things would end up like how I wanted it to be, I thought we’d be so close and he wont leave me like other people do. But one afternoon he just drop the bomb and told me, he’s deleting snapchat because his parents found out about him chatting. And I was like, WHAT.
I couldn’t hold myself that day, I thought that things are fine, and then suddenly he drop the bomb. I was feeling lonely again. I don’t know what should I do, coz I trusted him so deep and he left, just like that.
I feel frustrated, and lonely and sad and all the negative feelings on earth. I was thinking that no one would really want to love me, or take care of me, or make me feel happy again.
I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be loved and I want someone to lean on.