I’ve always been a positive person. I always think of positive things out of negative moments, and I think it’s my strongest ability. But sometimes, I can’t help but to feel insecure, and devastated for a moment.
When Kris left, I was really hurt. I cried for a week or maybe more, when Luhan left, I am also hurt, I cried again, a week or less. I was a bit okay coz I can see his reasons and Lay himself said he’s in good terms with him. But when Tao’s issues came by, I was really devastated. I tried so hard not to make other people notice, but there was a time that all my built frustrations bottled up and it came out bursting with flames.
I couldn’t hate him, I just can’t. I wanted, but I can’t seem to. But does doesn’t mean I am in fine terms with him. I was really hurt, to the point that I cried and cried and was distressed. On my thoughts, I always think that maybe he is being manipulated by his parents and he can’t do anything about this issue coz of his “utang na loob (debt of gratitude)” or its a compensation to them. He wouldn’t be able to reach his dreams without them, that’s what I think is the reason. But when this big project he made, and the lyrics he wrote, I feel really upset and devastated. I wanted to go to china and ask him face to face if all those moments he spent and memories he made with them are just for media play, and if he’s a liar all along.
When he wrote something on his ig about Kris, I was really hurt by his words, calling him traitor and all the likes. But what did he do? I think he’s as worst as him. NO, more than worst. I feel so fucking idiot for believing him. But then I recall all the memories he created as a member of EXO, 3 years. he had made me happy, for 3 fucking years, I’m thankful of that even though I don’t know if it’s just a freaking media play only. I’m still thankful of him. Not 1 or 2 or 10 hurtful things can change the fact that he made me happy for a while back. I can’t judge him, I can’t say he’s a bad person, because of the things he did for these past few months. But I won’t be able to defend him for now. I can’t even support him whole heartedly.
I know I had a promise on my letter that whatever he do, I’ll support him. I am going to eat my words and my pride. I’m sorry Tao, but I can’t walk with you in this path you are taking. Maybe in the future, if I’m healed but right now I can just watch you take more and more steps further away from me. Good Luck. That’s the only thing I can give you, a good luck. But I can’t promise to be there for you.
Until the day I’m ready to love you again.
From a hurt Hailang.